323

Its 3:23 a.m. and I can feel my heart still keeping rapid time inside my chest cavity. I try to relax, to close my eyes, but the pounding continues. I feel sweat start to break out. It’s one of those massive, almost menopausal hot flashes where you all of a sudden feel that the heat of a thousand suns just burst forth three inches from your face. I throw my blankets and sheets off and swing my legs out of bed. The moon shines through the blinds in stripes across my wall and in the darkness I feel my skin begin to cool down.

  I can’t think. Too many thoughts are blaring like alarms in my head until I think the ringing will really never stop. Without thinking, I cry out, then bite my tongue as I see shadows block the light under my door. I hear the lock turn. And I know what’s coming.

  “Max? What’s going on?” Her voice is trained to sound soothing, but there’s a coldness behind it that doesn’t fool me. She knows my name, but I don’t know hers. Do they have names? I can’t remember. I shake my head, trying to stop the bells. “Did we fall out of bed?”

 No idiot, even I can tell that I didn’t fall out of bed. I’m still sitting in bed. Only my feet are out.

I shake my head and try to wave her off before she can make me get back in bed.

  “Now, don’t be like that. Back in bed we come.” I stand up, staggering toward the wall. I don’t want to go back to bed. Bed is hot. Bed is constrictive like a cage. Bed is where the dreams come. “Max!” She gropes after me, trying to force me back. But I’m bigger than she is: my only advantage. “Max!”

No!  I manage to pull away from her pawing hands and towards the light of the hallway.

“Dr. Morgan I need some assistance in room 323.” That box in her hand fires muffled words back at her. I know somehow, it must be a memory, that they will be here in a minute. But I’m almost to the open doorway. “Max, get back in here!”

No! I can make it out of here!

Even the thin layer of soothing film has worn off and her voice sounds tired… frustrated….angry even. I know those feelings. I understand. I make her that way. I make all of them that way. And they repay me by making me that way. But no more.

 I’m through the doorway. I’m free! The light screaming down on me feels like an attack all its own. My eyes focus and I can see down the hall. There. There is the door. I know that door will lead to Down Stairs and Down Stairs is the way to Outside.

I start to move more quickly, and my legs are surprised by their own strength. I can imagine the wind on my face as I haven’t felt in months. I’m almost there. I know if I can get to Outside the dreams will stop. Because if get to Outside then I can find Her. And I won’t want anything else.