This frustrates me. It is one of those nights which, if blessed with time and opportunity, I feel I could create something magical: the perfect string of words, banding together to express an idea. If only.
But alas, I've been blessed with a much-needed job to which I will be called at 8:30 tomorrow morning, and therefore have no time for writing miraculous epiphanies tonight. It is unfortunate, but cannot be helped.
And so goodnight. I will say only that the dawn will bring one final day of heady preparation before at last I will stand and say goodbye.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Tonight
Tonight all I can write is sentimental nonsense. None of it really matters, but writing it seems to help me.
I've been trying to remember; how dreadfully sick and torn apart I felt not so very long ago. But I can't. All I feel is...nothing. I'm not sure why. Tonight I should be singing with joy. I'm done. I'm free. I'm absolutely ready. But I don't feel anything. The memory of anger still lingers, but I don't want to feel that, not ever again. Then also, I can remember feeling joy, pure and sweet. It was beautiful.
Right now I just feel sort of hollow, and contrary to how it might seem, I'm enjoying it.
I'm going back there soon, that joyful place. I'm building something. I think it's a life of my own, but I'm not quite sure yet. I'm tired. I don't know if I can do this. But instead of doing what I would have a few months ago and staying up until three o'clock to cry about it, I believe I'll just go to bed and try to dream of pleasant things.
I've been trying to remember; how dreadfully sick and torn apart I felt not so very long ago. But I can't. All I feel is...nothing. I'm not sure why. Tonight I should be singing with joy. I'm done. I'm free. I'm absolutely ready. But I don't feel anything. The memory of anger still lingers, but I don't want to feel that, not ever again. Then also, I can remember feeling joy, pure and sweet. It was beautiful.
Right now I just feel sort of hollow, and contrary to how it might seem, I'm enjoying it.
I'm going back there soon, that joyful place. I'm building something. I think it's a life of my own, but I'm not quite sure yet. I'm tired. I don't know if I can do this. But instead of doing what I would have a few months ago and staying up until three o'clock to cry about it, I believe I'll just go to bed and try to dream of pleasant things.
Monday, June 2, 2014
One. More. Day.
She pulled her hand away.
Ouch.
There in that moment I felt that the voluminous sixty seconds that followed were the longest and most horrible seconds of my entire life.
"Eww," She said. "That's gross!"
I melted into a pool of shame, staring at the ground. It was the equivalent of an ostrich reaction, and did nothing to stop the beams of eyesight that all swung into my soul. They were all staring at me now. I knew it even though I couldn't see them watching me.
"Robby?" Miss Kensing asked me quietly, as their stares drew her attention. "What's wrong?"
"His hands are gross!" Ambria shouted, her tongue clacking wildly.
I scrunched up my face, waiting for an unstoppable river. Tears slipped out.
"Boys and girls, go back to your game." Miss Kensing said to the others. "Come over here Robby." She directed me gently.
"I'm sorry." I said bitterly, wishing violent thoughts upon Ambria Cashton's head.
"What are you sorry for?" She asked me.
"For being...gross."
"Robby, you're not gross. You're just human. Everybody has gross things about them." Miss Kensing smiled, her lovely, crooked smile.
"You don't Miss Kensing." I said impulsively, forgetting my tears in adoration of my teacher. She was perfect. I blushed shyly.
"Oh yes I do. Although it's very sweet of you to say that. I have a lot of gross things about me. You might be surprised."
"You're not gross at all though! You're beautiful."
"The gross things I have aren't on the outside, Robby. They're in my soul."
"What's a soul?"
"It's your inner being. It's what makes you, you."
"Is it in my stomach?"
"No." She smiled again, laughing a little.
"What makes yours gross?"
"All the bad things I've done and thought."
"I think bad things too sometimes." I said, nodding sympathetically. "Like, I wish Ambria would get warts or sit down in the mud. Those types of bad things?"
She looked down at me again, with her gentle lips curving, but her eyes were sad.
"Some much worse than that, I'm afraid." She patted my hand. "But do you know what?"
"What?" I asked.
"I used to let the bad things convince me that I could never be good, which isn't true at all. Gross people can be cleaned off, like mud off shoes." She motioned to the brown smears on my laces. "So don't worry okay? You're no more gross than anyone else, just because of a little sweat and dirt."
"Okay." I said.
Ouch.
There in that moment I felt that the voluminous sixty seconds that followed were the longest and most horrible seconds of my entire life.
"Eww," She said. "That's gross!"
I melted into a pool of shame, staring at the ground. It was the equivalent of an ostrich reaction, and did nothing to stop the beams of eyesight that all swung into my soul. They were all staring at me now. I knew it even though I couldn't see them watching me.
"Robby?" Miss Kensing asked me quietly, as their stares drew her attention. "What's wrong?"
"His hands are gross!" Ambria shouted, her tongue clacking wildly.
I scrunched up my face, waiting for an unstoppable river. Tears slipped out.
"Boys and girls, go back to your game." Miss Kensing said to the others. "Come over here Robby." She directed me gently.
"I'm sorry." I said bitterly, wishing violent thoughts upon Ambria Cashton's head.
"What are you sorry for?" She asked me.
"For being...gross."
"Robby, you're not gross. You're just human. Everybody has gross things about them." Miss Kensing smiled, her lovely, crooked smile.
"You don't Miss Kensing." I said impulsively, forgetting my tears in adoration of my teacher. She was perfect. I blushed shyly.
"Oh yes I do. Although it's very sweet of you to say that. I have a lot of gross things about me. You might be surprised."
"You're not gross at all though! You're beautiful."
"The gross things I have aren't on the outside, Robby. They're in my soul."
"What's a soul?"
"It's your inner being. It's what makes you, you."
"Is it in my stomach?"
"No." She smiled again, laughing a little.
"What makes yours gross?"
"All the bad things I've done and thought."
"I think bad things too sometimes." I said, nodding sympathetically. "Like, I wish Ambria would get warts or sit down in the mud. Those types of bad things?"
She looked down at me again, with her gentle lips curving, but her eyes were sad.
"Some much worse than that, I'm afraid." She patted my hand. "But do you know what?"
"What?" I asked.
"I used to let the bad things convince me that I could never be good, which isn't true at all. Gross people can be cleaned off, like mud off shoes." She motioned to the brown smears on my laces. "So don't worry okay? You're no more gross than anyone else, just because of a little sweat and dirt."
"Okay." I said.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Today
I'd like to share with you one of the things I just love. I love it when people share their opinions with me when I didn't ask for them! It is just so necessary to my existence. Like, I literally think I would die if I didn't know how everyone felt about my life and my personality and my car and my eating habits. How on earth would I survive without all my friends telling me what I'm doing wrong? It sure is nice of them. Now I know just how to fix myself! Isn't it wonderful?
Okay, rant over.
On another note, I got a whoppin' big medal today. And a customer called me "dear" and was very sweet. I love nice customers. Somehow being called "dear" can make a world that seems dim and dreary feel lovely and sweet again. Like thinking that you're having dry cheerios for breakfast and waking up to discover that your dad has made waffles. 'Tis a splendid thing. So thank you to those two very nice women who brightened my day today!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
5/29/14
"Don't cry," She told me. "Crying won't fix anything. It's all in your head. You just have to toughen up a bit."
"That's the worst advice I've ever heard," I replied bitterly.
"Don't be so sensitive."
"I can't help it," I choked.
"Learn to help it. Life's not fair kiddo. And you don't even know how good you've got it."
I resisted the temptation to smash a nearby book across her foot. In imagination I relished the satisfaction such an action would bring, but in reality I only grimaced and rose to my feet, ready to spit fire. I swallowed it back, and settled.
"That's the worst advice I've ever heard," I replied bitterly.
"Don't be so sensitive."
"I can't help it," I choked.
"Learn to help it. Life's not fair kiddo. And you don't even know how good you've got it."
I resisted the temptation to smash a nearby book across her foot. In imagination I relished the satisfaction such an action would bring, but in reality I only grimaced and rose to my feet, ready to spit fire. I swallowed it back, and settled.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
5/25/14
Send me peace on the wings of a dove
Its gentleness may lend me courage where I have none
Its loveliness may give me hope
The lightest burden lifts off at last
And all heaviness falls away
Where moments ago my bitter heart cried out,
Now it sings to You in praise
I'm thankful
But tomorrow is coming
And my fears will crash around me
Send me peace in the midst of trouble
Courage and kindness in the valleys of failure
Let my fears suffocate and die
Give me the strength I need to call out to You and forgive
Give me the how
Give me the grace
Give me peace
And I'll thank You for a thousand years
Help me love again
I wish to be filled up with love and grace
As I once was
I linger on now in doubt and darkness
But you send me help
Make it last through the dawn
Please
Let me love when I am angry, hope when I am lonely, and wait when I am empty
Fill me up
And help me be as I once was
Without wrath and bitter tears
But the peace of purity
Lasting always
Loving
Hoping
Believing
You have everything I don't
So send me peace on the wings of a soft, gentle dove
And give me courage
Give me love
Thursday, May 22, 2014
5.22.14.
It wasn't until she started speaking, that I realized just how bad it was going to be.
In the millisecond between recognizing that Mia was about to unleash some major anger, and feeling the unexpected lump be born in my throat, I flashed back to the way things had been only a few moments before.
We'd just been sitting there inside the Papa Peete's, wolfing down cheese and pepperoni. I had been trying not to acknowledge the growing glare on her face. Preston and Avery both prattled bravely on, eyeing one another nervously every few seconds. Mia had been sitting in stone silence. The worst of it was, although I'd known since we sat down that she was mad, even at this moment I had not even the faintest clue what she was mad about.
"See you later, Jason." Avery had said kindly, her blonde locks curling silkily around her face the way they always did when the humidity got really bad. She had smiled, but her eyes added, "If you make it out of this alive," to the goodbye.
Preston didn't even say goodbye; he was too frozen stiff by Mia's stare. When they left I knew what was coming, but I didn't want to accept it.
"Why do you always take everything so seriously?" Mia demanded, five minutes into a whip-lashed argument. I was dazed.
"Me?"
"You always jump to conclusions and act like everything's such a big deal!" She said, her voice slathering with hypocrisy. I smiled. I couldn't help it.
"What?!" She hissed. "Why are you laughing!"
"Because you're acting like a child!" The instant the words rippled out, I could feel my stomach leap up and try to pull them back in.
Mia burst into tears. "I can't do this with you right now!" She shrieked shrilly, heading for her car. For the first time since we'd met, I didn't chase after her.
In the millisecond between recognizing that Mia was about to unleash some major anger, and feeling the unexpected lump be born in my throat, I flashed back to the way things had been only a few moments before.
We'd just been sitting there inside the Papa Peete's, wolfing down cheese and pepperoni. I had been trying not to acknowledge the growing glare on her face. Preston and Avery both prattled bravely on, eyeing one another nervously every few seconds. Mia had been sitting in stone silence. The worst of it was, although I'd known since we sat down that she was mad, even at this moment I had not even the faintest clue what she was mad about.
"See you later, Jason." Avery had said kindly, her blonde locks curling silkily around her face the way they always did when the humidity got really bad. She had smiled, but her eyes added, "If you make it out of this alive," to the goodbye.
Preston didn't even say goodbye; he was too frozen stiff by Mia's stare. When they left I knew what was coming, but I didn't want to accept it.
"Why do you always take everything so seriously?" Mia demanded, five minutes into a whip-lashed argument. I was dazed.
"Me?"
"You always jump to conclusions and act like everything's such a big deal!" She said, her voice slathering with hypocrisy. I smiled. I couldn't help it.
"What?!" She hissed. "Why are you laughing!"
"Because you're acting like a child!" The instant the words rippled out, I could feel my stomach leap up and try to pull them back in.
Mia burst into tears. "I can't do this with you right now!" She shrieked shrilly, heading for her car. For the first time since we'd met, I didn't chase after her.
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