Hate and Love

My heart thundered in my chest as I read the words on the screen, disbelieving. I felt sick, sick with anger, my stomach flip-flopping inside me. A haze of red filled my eyes and every voice in my mind screamed Retribution! Shaking, I slammed the lid of my laptop down. How could he say that? Why, for all of them to see? I realized that I had been biting my tongue and the taste of sweet salty blood filled my mouth. Determinedly, I rejected the tears that were forming in my eyes. I will not cry. I don’t deserve to cry, I don’t deserve to feel this bad. Its not my fault. And I’m done taking blame for everything. He’s going to pay.

  Restless, I paced back and forth around my room, the pink walls glowing in the light of my lamp. I opened my laptop again, resolved to fight back. A thousand words filled my head, words like knives, weapons to cut the heart and pierce a shattered friendship even further. I typed, faster and faster and faster until my words had become even more than weapons to destroy, they were Hatred and Anger embodied in the physical, staring up at me from that glowing screen. I turned out my light, wanting to hide in the darkness. My curser blinked at me. I dare you. Press enter. Press enter. Just a simple tap and two lives will change forever. Another voice whispered, softer than a daisy falling to the grass.

Will this really make anything better?

Tears slipped out in spite of my resolve, and I let them fall openly. Tears of healing. Tears of relief. Tears of forgiveness. I erased my message quickly, wishing I could erase those feelings from my heart. They still burned there, anger and revengeful wishes. But they were wrong, and so was I.

Closing up my computer once more, gently this time, I knelt by my bed. My head was bowed and my soul was raw. I wanted the satisfaction of anger, of seeing him hurt the way he had hurt me. But words were the source of anger and would be the source of forgiveness as well. I don’t want to hate. I want love. My tears cooled the fire burning in my chest and I whispered brokenly the words written so long ago…

   “Love is patient, love is kind….”