Urrrraahghhh. I'm not excited. Well, not for the reasons I should be. I'm excited to be done with high school and get out of this town and start my real life, when I should be excited to jump back into the world of being a student and a friend. I'm not excited about that at all. I think maybe I've forgotten what it means to be a friend. It's been so long since I've been one to myself. So tonight I'm looking back.
I've spent some time reading the last thing I wrote before whatever happened to me happened, the last thing I wrote when I still felt alive, the last thing I wrote when I still had ambition and aspiration and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Here it is:
This year I’ve often thought, “All I do is write, write, write!”
But I’ve really been doing much more than that. I’ve been telling a story.
Two very different things, writing and telling a story. They’re not quite as simple as you might think.
Most of the time this year I haven’t known how my stories will turn out. They’re always a little crazy, and a little wonderful, and a little scary all at once. Every story I write I learn a little bit about myself. During November I remember learning a lot about perseverance, patience, friendship, trust, faith, and how to survive on four hours of sleep a night.
Over the past few months, writing has been both a chore and an addiction. Some days (like today) my mind is too feverish with confused thoughts and feelings even to get words out on the page in a way that makes vague sense. Other days I am as anxious as any enthusiastic reader. I sit down with my fingers poised over the keys just wondering what will my characters face today? Where will this story take me?
This year I’ve learned that I can be successful.
I’ve learned that I can fail.
I’ve also learned that no success comes free of a little failure, and no failure is complete as long as you can learn from it.
Through every writing attempt I’ve made, I’ve discovered that the only ones worth reading are those that I pour my heart into.
I've found that the blank page is always there to listen.
This year has been full of wondering. I’ve wondered about myself and whether or not I’ll even make it through the day. I’ve wondered about friends, family, x’s and y’s, Heaven and Eternity, tomorrow, and yesterday. I’ve spent more time thinking and less time talking.
Every single day this year I’ve had to remind myself of the promise I made on day one. Mr. A made us promise not to use a word. It’s a word that has a lot of power. Power to destroy, not what already exists, but what could exist in the future.
The word is “can’t.”
Can’t.
And when times get tough and the word count simple will not pass 250 (or five hundred as of today) or when I’m sitting in class trying not to scream about my algebra homework, or when my grade point average isn’t perfect, or when I’m thinking of the future and all I want to do in life, I bite my tongue and try not to say, “I can’t.”
I’ll admit that I’ve broken that promise. Not once. Not twice. A lot. But not enough to stop me from persevering.
Things are about to change. This year has already been full of changes. But it’s about to change even more I think. I can kind of feel it coming. And I know that with all the challenges life throws my way, I'll be tempted to break that old promise again and again. But with a little faith, a keyboard, a Bible, good friends, coffee, a blog, and an imagination, I’m going to make it through life.
One day
One story
One paragraph
One word at a time.
That's an excerpt from my blog way back in January. Mr. A had us write a reflection of the year at that point, and it is still one of the only pieces of my writing that I can read with nearly complete satisfaction. I didn't write it for an audience, I wrote it for me. And it was everything I needed to hear, both then and now. When I read it, especially the last part, it convinces me that maybe I'll be okay, and that maybe sometime I'll get back to that point, back to that person I was. If I remember what I knew then, that life could be an adventure with challenges for the conquering, I think I'll manage to make the most of it. I just have to cast myself right: as a supporting character. I'm not the hero, but I'm not a victim either.
This year I'm determined to genuinely serve.
That's what matters.
Life is a paradox. I don't really matter that much at all, and yet, I matter so much to the only One who does matter, I might as well matter a lot.
Ah life. So confusing. That really had nothing to do with anything, but hey, I've got a crazy mind. I guess what I'm saying is, it's time for another new start. A wise little meerkat once said, "You've gotta put your past behind ya."
So hakuna matata and goodnight to all. I'm starting this year with a smile and a wink and a kiss into the starry sky that belongs to whom ever may find it. In peace and love, bonsoir, bien-aimés.
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