:)

I haven't written in a while. Not really at least. And what's more, I haven't lived in a while either. At least, not really. 

Summer for most kids means happiness and fun with friends and laughing and otter pops and a county fair and puppy love and running through fields of daisies. It used to mean that for me too. But for the past few years summer has become a lot more. Throughout the year I find that my deepest thoughts find themselves buried beneath a mountain of obligation, and come summer they begin slithering out into the sunlight, dancing like stars or dipping like rain drops. Some of them are dark, I'll admit, and this summer I feel as though I've had a stronger wall of apathy building inside me than ever before. Nothing has turned out the way I've expected, but then, when is life ever what you expect? Highs have been lower and lows... well, deeper than in years past. I've learned and puzzled and thrashed with life's many complexities. I've spent less time talking and more time thinking. But I can still feel it there: the feeling that something's brewing way down deep, deeper than I've ever dared to go, beneath the surface of everything I am. The thing is, I don't want to know what it is. I wish I could go back in time. That line from that song still haunts me some nights. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it. They say you can't go back. So I guess what I'm saying is, this is the new page. The new beginning. I'm giving up. Yes, giving up, letting go, washing my hands. 

She's lost. Lost for good. That girl I once knew, I can't ever meet again, at least not in this life. Who she was is still inside me, but now I have to let her go, and start looking forward to meeting next summer's girl, and making her all that she's capable of being. I'm ready to start writing again, and start living. 

And I'm going to run through some daisy fields. Because daisies are important.