Birthday Musings

Well here I am. It is November 19th at eleven o'clock. The day before my 17th birthday.

Today I feel philosophical. A lot of times I feel as if I say too much while not really saying anything at all. And most of the time I should just keep my big mouth shut. Writing is usually my outlet. But lately I've found it strange that although I'm writing more than I've ever written in my life (27,427 words in 10 days thank you very much!) I feel more and more the need to pour out my soul, for someone to understand me.

Do you ever feel that way? We go through life every day walking, talking, working Algebra problems and writing English essays (or whatever else you may do). Maybe you're a teacher of those Algebra or English classes or maybe you work for the President fending off vicious mercenaries (just a thought), or maybe you don't have a job right now and you're sitting at home in your office wishing you did.

It doesn't matter who you are, is the point I guess. At some time, you have probably wondered what I've been wondering: what is my purpose?

I thought I knew. I thought I had my life all figured out. Would you like a basic summary? Here goes:

DON'T FAIL ALGEBRA 2!!!!!!!!!!!

Graduate (hopefully with a 4.0 GPA [haha that dream died this year])

Write a bestselling novel

Meet and marry a very rich man and hire lots of help to cook and clean for me

Have two nice, quiet, clean, well-behaved children                                                

Give money away to missionaries

There you have it. My life's plan all summed up. I had it all down to the last detail. But this year something changed. Things began to go wrong for the perfect junior year that I had planned out for myself, and from there more things went wrong. And a few things went right. A few went exactly as I'd hoped. But those things haven't been like I planned either. A huge part of my identity has disappeared and all my sweetest dreams have suddenly soured. All of a sudden I'm left wondering what's wrong with me? In the aftermath of all these crazy new dramas, I'm wondering why I'm still not content. I should be. I should be perfectly happy. I have everything I ever wanted, but something still seems like its missing.

And I'm not sure what it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. I just feel like a bird on the edge of a cliff longing to jump off and fly, but something holds me back.

It’s something to mull over when I should be sleeping the night before my seventeenth birthday.  

Still, I’m not completely insane yet, and though I have this crazy sense of helplessness I know that I have Someone in control always watching out for me. My dreams have changed and my life has shifted and somewhere along the way I feel as if I’ve lost myself. Losing yourself is supposed to be good though, because only after you’ve lost yourself can you find something bigger than yourself. Even though my life may never be what I’d planned, and even though my dreams elude me, I’ll always keep dreaming and someday I’ll break free and fly.