Coffee and the Future

As I sit here blowing my nose vigorously and craving coffee, I contemplate the future.

Will I make it to school tomorrow, or will this stuffy nose stop me?

How am I ever going to understand this algebra homework?

What was the history assignment?

And most of all, what in the world can I write about in my blog besides homework, stuffy noses and coffee?

I have found little to say over the past few days. Strange, because my mind has been racing. Maybe my thoughts are flying too fast for my fingers to catch up, or maybe I'm trying too hard to "think" of something to say. This past week and a half have been a crazy, twisted mixture of stress, fun, excitement, exhaustion, frozen yogurt, lack of sleep, pinks scarves, confusion, and the bizarre feeling that this world doesn't actually exist.

For so long my identity has been wrapped up in a whirl of dreams and problems, people and drama that no longer really matters to me. I can't help but feel unreal as I try to sort out the future. Who I was yesterday is not who I am today.

The things that have seemed so important, so hard, so full of romantic tragedy concocted by my silly little girlish brain, trying so hard to be grown up, are suddenly just that: silly.

Why did I care so much about this? I ask.

More importantly, where do I go from here? There is a whole world of endless possibilities waiting for me behind a door, and I can't seem to find the key. It’s here somewhere, hidden in my soul. I search, and sometimes answers come; sometimes answers that even seem miraculous.

Who will I choose to be?

Who do You want me to be?

That girl tomorrow may even be different from the one who sits snuggled under my favorite zebra-stripe blankie writing these words. I don't know her yet, but I will soon.

And in the mean time, that algebra homework is still waiting for me.