202

I'm lost in that dismal abyss that sneaks up and catches hold of me sometimes. I'm not really myself when I'm in it, and yet in some ways I'm more myself when I'm caught in the trap than at any other moment. I'm a startburst, a contradiction of flavor. With every moment everything changes and becomes as if it had always been that way and will always be that way and then in the next instant it is all gone again, washed away like a shell lost in the waves. I can't get past the failures and the heartaches. I can't get hold of the girl I used to be. I can't make it past this fear that keeps on taking me in its grip. I'm stuck in the fear, not of the unknown, but the fear of believe I know what's coming. There doesn't seem to be hope for surprises left. Life is an endless plain of sand, stretching onward, unchanging and bland, without even a blade of green fighting upward towards the sky. I can't help it. I can't help this anymore. 
I just broke the promise I made. I've broken it a thousand times, and now it's broken me.