Mara leaned her chin on her hand, staring out the window. She murmured to herself, the words of a sweet, sad summer song. Pulling her fingers across the soft waves of Valentine's head, Mara breathed deeply the fresh June air drifting through the window. Valentine rumpled up a purr, her back arching with every stroke. Mara smiled sadly. Valentine's whiskers tickled her arm. And the sun grew bright in the morning sky.
"Mama?" It was Sophia, murmuring from the doorway. Mara glanced at her, then back to the reflection of glass. Sophia came and knelt beside the rocker. "Mama?" She said again. There were tears in her voice, and now in her eyes too. "Mama!" She said again, louder this time. "Say something!" Her voice rose shrilly, and Valentine's back arched. The sun grew brighter in the sky.
~*~
"Merry Christmas Mama!"
"Merry Christmas!" Mara pulled her daughter into her arms, feeling the silky blonde curls like angel hair against her cheek. Sophia was breathless when she pulled away, her face flushed and her eyes starry. Mara smiled. But she didn't smile long.
"It will be different for me! You'll see!" Sophia had shouted later that night, her blue eyes dilated and gleaming with indignation, her hands protectively covering her abdomen. Mara had blinked back tears, fighting herself, fighting her daughter. "He loves me!" Sophia almost screamed.
"And what do you know about love?" Mara bit her tongue, tasting blood. The smell of the turkey was nauseating. Anna watched in silent calm, her dark eyes warm and gentle.
"More than you obviously!" Sophia flung her coat on, and opened the door. "You'll see. We're going to be a real family. Not like this one."
Mara screamed, her head thick with a fireless fury, cold and dark. She stumbled blindly up the stairs. And as she sat in the dark of a Christmas Even night, she heard a pair of dark eyes as they sang O Holy Night.
~* ~
Sophia was crying. "Stop trying to make me perfect!" She screamed, slamming the door to her room. Mara sank down onto the couch in despair. Weary with fighting, work and paying the bills, she covered her eyes with her hands, watching as dull dark hair fell about her face. She remembered its shimmery shine, and lamented a lost beauty as all women do at some time in their lives. Anna came in from school, her dusky brown eyes warm and gentle. She saw Mara's face and frowned slightly. Wordlessly, the girl knelt and took Mara's hands as she wept.
~*~
Mara laughed. She loved her garden. Bettina's kittens frolicked in the grass and Anna and Sophia giggled as they played in the water hose. Mara lifted her face to the sky, soaking up the warmth of the sun. Again, laughter bubbled up inside her, like a baby's soft and giddy. She stood, feeling a rush of delight at everything around her. Running to her children, Mara lifted first one, than the other and kissed them like a butterfly.
~*~
Mara felt her abdomen rumble as the forms within it roiled and rolled. She pushed into the room nervously. The party hall was barely lit with candles and soft lamps and the card players laughed and joked as they cast bets and furtive glances. Elegantly dressed women smoked long black cigarettes and wet their lips with champagne provocatively. Mara gulped air, stiffening her nerve. She stepped into the dim light and watched as the room fell silent. He stood up, in shock and horror. Mara didn't care. He deserved humiliation.
"How long will you do this?" She accused softly.
He laughed, denying her. "Who is this woman?" A tuxedoed man demanded.
"I have no more idea than you, sir. No, wait, I think I saw her in a hospital last week, she must have wandered off. I'll take care of it." He pushed her out the door and back out into the snow.
"When will you take responsibility?"
"The child isn't mine."
"Children. Twins, my love, does that not please you?" He grimaced, genuinely pained. But not for her. Not for his children. For himself.
"They are not mine." And he shut the door, knowing his words were a lie.
~*~
Mara stared out the window, numb to Sophia's tears.
Her child stared out the window with her, and Mara saw that look drift into her eyes, the look she had worn for years. "Mama, forgive me..."
Valentine jumped to the floor, and Mara cringed feeling her loneliness overtake her. "Why must it be like this?" Sophia was saying. "We're all we have Mama, please. You were right, and I wrong. Forgive me. I'll try to be brave and cry no more, like she always was. She never cried did she Mama?"
Mara felt her cold heart quiver like the feathers of a mourning dove shaking off the dew.
"No, she never cried. She was stronger than you and I."
"And beloved."
"And beloved."
And Mara took her child's hand as they stared out the window to the place where Heaven's road began.
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