"Don't cry," She told me. "Crying won't fix anything. It's all in your head. You just have to toughen up a bit."
"That's the worst advice I've ever heard," I replied bitterly.
"Don't be so sensitive."
"I can't help it," I choked.
"Learn to help it. Life's not fair kiddo. And you don't even know how good you've got it."
I resisted the temptation to smash a nearby book across her foot. In imagination I relished the satisfaction such an action would bring, but in reality I only grimaced and rose to my feet, ready to spit fire. I swallowed it back, and settled.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
5/25/14
Send me peace on the wings of a dove
Its gentleness may lend me courage where I have none
Its loveliness may give me hope
The lightest burden lifts off at last
And all heaviness falls away
Where moments ago my bitter heart cried out,
Now it sings to You in praise
I'm thankful
But tomorrow is coming
And my fears will crash around me
Send me peace in the midst of trouble
Courage and kindness in the valleys of failure
Let my fears suffocate and die
Give me the strength I need to call out to You and forgive
Give me the how
Give me the grace
Give me peace
And I'll thank You for a thousand years
Help me love again
I wish to be filled up with love and grace
As I once was
I linger on now in doubt and darkness
But you send me help
Make it last through the dawn
Please
Let me love when I am angry, hope when I am lonely, and wait when I am empty
Fill me up
And help me be as I once was
Without wrath and bitter tears
But the peace of purity
Lasting always
Loving
Hoping
Believing
You have everything I don't
So send me peace on the wings of a soft, gentle dove
And give me courage
Give me love
Thursday, May 22, 2014
5.22.14.
It wasn't until she started speaking, that I realized just how bad it was going to be.
In the millisecond between recognizing that Mia was about to unleash some major anger, and feeling the unexpected lump be born in my throat, I flashed back to the way things had been only a few moments before.
We'd just been sitting there inside the Papa Peete's, wolfing down cheese and pepperoni. I had been trying not to acknowledge the growing glare on her face. Preston and Avery both prattled bravely on, eyeing one another nervously every few seconds. Mia had been sitting in stone silence. The worst of it was, although I'd known since we sat down that she was mad, even at this moment I had not even the faintest clue what she was mad about.
"See you later, Jason." Avery had said kindly, her blonde locks curling silkily around her face the way they always did when the humidity got really bad. She had smiled, but her eyes added, "If you make it out of this alive," to the goodbye.
Preston didn't even say goodbye; he was too frozen stiff by Mia's stare. When they left I knew what was coming, but I didn't want to accept it.
"Why do you always take everything so seriously?" Mia demanded, five minutes into a whip-lashed argument. I was dazed.
"Me?"
"You always jump to conclusions and act like everything's such a big deal!" She said, her voice slathering with hypocrisy. I smiled. I couldn't help it.
"What?!" She hissed. "Why are you laughing!"
"Because you're acting like a child!" The instant the words rippled out, I could feel my stomach leap up and try to pull them back in.
Mia burst into tears. "I can't do this with you right now!" She shrieked shrilly, heading for her car. For the first time since we'd met, I didn't chase after her.
In the millisecond between recognizing that Mia was about to unleash some major anger, and feeling the unexpected lump be born in my throat, I flashed back to the way things had been only a few moments before.
We'd just been sitting there inside the Papa Peete's, wolfing down cheese and pepperoni. I had been trying not to acknowledge the growing glare on her face. Preston and Avery both prattled bravely on, eyeing one another nervously every few seconds. Mia had been sitting in stone silence. The worst of it was, although I'd known since we sat down that she was mad, even at this moment I had not even the faintest clue what she was mad about.
"See you later, Jason." Avery had said kindly, her blonde locks curling silkily around her face the way they always did when the humidity got really bad. She had smiled, but her eyes added, "If you make it out of this alive," to the goodbye.
Preston didn't even say goodbye; he was too frozen stiff by Mia's stare. When they left I knew what was coming, but I didn't want to accept it.
"Why do you always take everything so seriously?" Mia demanded, five minutes into a whip-lashed argument. I was dazed.
"Me?"
"You always jump to conclusions and act like everything's such a big deal!" She said, her voice slathering with hypocrisy. I smiled. I couldn't help it.
"What?!" She hissed. "Why are you laughing!"
"Because you're acting like a child!" The instant the words rippled out, I could feel my stomach leap up and try to pull them back in.
Mia burst into tears. "I can't do this with you right now!" She shrieked shrilly, heading for her car. For the first time since we'd met, I didn't chase after her.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
My Tantrum of the Day
Okay well I'm done being a writer. I'm done attempting to create meaning out of my life. I'm just going to accept everything and go on being the worlds failurest failure that ever failed. So who even cares about anything ever I'm just going to pass out and give up and be like everybody else and go do stupid things to be happy I guess because nothing matters or has mattered or ever will matter ever again so long as I'm just this huge collossal screw up who can't even spell freaking colossal right for pity's sake. The end.
Okay, a few hours have passed and my tantrum is over. I made it work. Guess I won't dismiss the meaning of life just like that. Sigh.
Okay, a few hours have passed and my tantrum is over. I made it work. Guess I won't dismiss the meaning of life just like that. Sigh.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Song
Just say the word, my darling, and I'll fly away across the skies with you
Just say "Go," and we'll go
Just say "Stay," and we'll stay
Just say anything that I may hear your voice
And sigh
And sing
You're everything
So just say the word
My darling
Tomorrow could be
The best day of our lives
It's all up to you to decide
I won't say anything
You make the wishes my darling
And we'll fly
Fly fly
So just say the word, my darling, and I'll take you by the hand
Just say "Run," and we'll run
Just say "Rest," and we'll rest
Just say anything that I might hear
That pretty voice of yours speaking
And singing
You're everything
So just say the word
My darling
Just say "Go," and we'll go
Just say "Stay," and we'll stay
Just say anything that I may hear your voice
And sigh
And sing
You're everything
So just say the word
My darling
Tomorrow could be
The best day of our lives
It's all up to you to decide
I won't say anything
You make the wishes my darling
And we'll fly
Fly fly
So just say the word, my darling, and I'll take you by the hand
Just say "Run," and we'll run
Just say "Rest," and we'll rest
Just say anything that I might hear
That pretty voice of yours speaking
And singing
You're everything
So just say the word
My darling
Friday, March 21, 2014
A surprising story that came out of nowhere
I'm very discouraged tonight. I haven't got much to say. Sometimes I think writing about me and life and trouble and toil is easier than writing a story. It never used to be that way. Maybe it's because now I'm too grown up---I've lost sight of that inner child, that hammy drama queen with brown pig-tails that used to speak her mind. I make believe a lot still, but nothing anyone would want to read. Maybe nobody will ever read my writing, but I guess that's nothing to stop me from keeping on. After all, it helps me more than it helps anybody else. Even this has helped me a lot. Maybe I'll tackle another attempt at a story excerpt.
"I can't wait." Macy said, sighing heavily as she stared up at the sky. A shimmery window of blue was fighting its way through the clouds like a shiny penny lying on dull pavement. The school yard was practically empty now. The other students were mostly filing into their classes, walking through the hallways and laughing or glaring.
Elizabeth nodded.
"I just can't wait to get somewhere new, somewhere I can have a fresh start. I want to discover who I am, you know what I mean?" Macy asked, drawing her eyes away from the sky and back to her friend's face. Elizabeth shook her head.
"No. I know who I am." She said simply.
"Really?" Macy couldn't help being slightly skeptical. No eighteen-year-old knew exactly who they were. "What makes you think so?"
Elizabeth shrugged. "I think I've always known it." She said.
"How?" Macy was jealous and grateful at the same time. Life would feel too complete somehow, if she knew just who she was and who she wanted to be. But then again, she craved stability and assurance. She wondered what it would feel like to be like Elizabeth. She wasn't sure she would like it.
Elizabeth was staring at the sky now too, but her eyes roved the tree tops where a solitary red kite was bobbing cheerfully.
"I don't know," She said. "But I think it's like that." She pointed to the kite. "I'm a kite. My job is to make people look. Eventually, if I'm flying well enough, looking at me won't be enough, and people will have to look down at the One holding the end of the rope." She smiled.
Macy didn't know what to say. She stared over at the kite, and maybe because of the analogy, suddenly felt herself longing to know who held onto the other end.
"I don't always understand it myself," Elizabeth was adding. "But I am who I am, and I wouldn't want to be anything else, not really, if it meant flying all alone, without Someone holding me safely close to the ground." She pulled her gaze from the fleck of red that still danced against a prairie of white. The clock on the school wall read ten after noon. "We had better go in." Elizabeth brushed the sandwich crumbs off of her lap and stood. Macy followed, but her eyes hated to go back indoors.
"I can't wait." Macy said, sighing heavily as she stared up at the sky. A shimmery window of blue was fighting its way through the clouds like a shiny penny lying on dull pavement. The school yard was practically empty now. The other students were mostly filing into their classes, walking through the hallways and laughing or glaring.
Elizabeth nodded.
"I just can't wait to get somewhere new, somewhere I can have a fresh start. I want to discover who I am, you know what I mean?" Macy asked, drawing her eyes away from the sky and back to her friend's face. Elizabeth shook her head.
"No. I know who I am." She said simply.
"Really?" Macy couldn't help being slightly skeptical. No eighteen-year-old knew exactly who they were. "What makes you think so?"
Elizabeth shrugged. "I think I've always known it." She said.
"How?" Macy was jealous and grateful at the same time. Life would feel too complete somehow, if she knew just who she was and who she wanted to be. But then again, she craved stability and assurance. She wondered what it would feel like to be like Elizabeth. She wasn't sure she would like it.
Elizabeth was staring at the sky now too, but her eyes roved the tree tops where a solitary red kite was bobbing cheerfully.
"I don't know," She said. "But I think it's like that." She pointed to the kite. "I'm a kite. My job is to make people look. Eventually, if I'm flying well enough, looking at me won't be enough, and people will have to look down at the One holding the end of the rope." She smiled.
Macy didn't know what to say. She stared over at the kite, and maybe because of the analogy, suddenly felt herself longing to know who held onto the other end.
"I don't always understand it myself," Elizabeth was adding. "But I am who I am, and I wouldn't want to be anything else, not really, if it meant flying all alone, without Someone holding me safely close to the ground." She pulled her gaze from the fleck of red that still danced against a prairie of white. The clock on the school wall read ten after noon. "We had better go in." Elizabeth brushed the sandwich crumbs off of her lap and stood. Macy followed, but her eyes hated to go back indoors.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
♡
it's been a week of years
since i last saw you ♡
and even though i still cry sometimes
it's good to know i'm not alone
the music still makes me want to sing out
and remember you
your words still silently remind me
speak kindly
and i'll always see your smile
even when my world is dark ♡
so just let me keep singing
just let me keep walking on
just help me keep praying
when i'm feeling all alone
and i know up there somewhere
you're making all the angels laugh
so every time i look into the sky
i'll remember you
even when i cry
your grin still haunts me in a crowd
every now and then
and i can't keep myself from wishing
for things that might have been
i wish he had your heart, i wish he had your soul
i wish that you weren't gone
even though i know someday
i'll see that grin again
so just let me keep wishing
just let me keep moving on
and help me keep hoping
because i feel so desperately alone
now that you're gone
even though i know up there somewhere
you're making the angels laugh
every time i look into the sky
i remember you
and cry
♡♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡
sometimes i have to cry
because i remember how you were
and you made me free
free to sing
like no one else could ever do
i miss you
♡ ♡ ♡ ♡
but if you're up there with the angels
watching me right now
know that i'm still singing
know i'm still walking on
know the hope in my heart is you and your smile
because when i'm feeling all alone
i know you're up there somewhere
and every time you see me cry
don't you worry darling
even though i cry sometimes
it's because of you that i
remember how to smile ♡
since i last saw you ♡
and even though i still cry sometimes
it's good to know i'm not alone
the music still makes me want to sing out
and remember you
your words still silently remind me
speak kindly
and i'll always see your smile
even when my world is dark ♡
so just let me keep singing
just let me keep walking on
just help me keep praying
when i'm feeling all alone
and i know up there somewhere
you're making all the angels laugh
so every time i look into the sky
i'll remember you
even when i cry
your grin still haunts me in a crowd
every now and then
and i can't keep myself from wishing
for things that might have been
i wish he had your heart, i wish he had your soul
i wish that you weren't gone
even though i know someday
i'll see that grin again
so just let me keep wishing
just let me keep moving on
and help me keep hoping
because i feel so desperately alone
now that you're gone
even though i know up there somewhere
you're making the angels laugh
every time i look into the sky
i remember you
and cry
♡♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡
sometimes i have to cry
because i remember how you were
and you made me free
free to sing
like no one else could ever do
i miss you
♡ ♡ ♡ ♡
but if you're up there with the angels
watching me right now
know that i'm still singing
know i'm still walking on
know the hope in my heart is you and your smile
because when i'm feeling all alone
i know you're up there somewhere
and every time you see me cry
don't you worry darling
even though i cry sometimes
it's because of you that i
remember how to smile ♡
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