* * *

I should have felt better, packing up. It had been a crazy few days and I tried hard to convince myself that once we got home to school and friends and chess club and softball (mine and Marti’s respectively) everything would be ok and back to normal. But I couldn’t convince myself.

No, not even I, the queen of denial, could convince myself.

Never, she’d said.

Never.

Never.

Never ok.

How could someone never be ok? And not just someone. My best friend Marti. The most popular, kind, wonderful person I knew. How? I didn’t understand.

After she’d said it we just sat there. For once I kept my mouth shut and we just sat in the dark living room of the beach house thinking our thoughts with Marti still holding my hands. We were in the same room only a few inches apart and yet so many worlds away from one another.

I didn’t understand. She was right about that.

I probably never would understand Marti; I’d resigned myself to that years ago. But I wished that she would trust me enough to tell me what she was planning.

I thought about these things as I packed, folding all my clean clothes up into neat stacks.

 I organized my suitcase efficiently, arranging all my t-shirts according to color just like I did at home.  Across the room, Marti was desperately trying to shove a huge pile of unfolded clothes, shoes and tangled necklaces into her big purple bag. I sighed and laughed.

“Having trouble?”

  “Oh shut up you,” she laughed back, tossing a slipper at my head. I ducked before it hit me, but barely. There for a minute it felt like old times, and I had hope again.

Maybe everything will be ok.

  “Well are you girls all ready?” Uncle Gerry said from the doorway. He eyes were begging his baby girl to stay forever. Marti looked up at him and smiled.

  “I guess so. I wish I could stay longer!”  She jumped up and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

  “You’ll be back before you know it.” I said, standing up to go. I gave the room a last look, making sure I had everything. It looked bare and empty like a body without a soul.

 We threw everything in the back of Marti’s Honda exchanging goodbyes and receiving the inevitable driving lecture that all parents bestow on their children. Marti assured him she'd be safe, and although I knew better, I nodded and we climbed aboard. Uncle Gerry waved until we were out of sight, his lonely figure shrinking softly away.

The afternoon sun glistened on the water as we sped along the seaside on the lonely stretch of highway. I remembered the rush of the water gliding over me, and wished I could feel it again, in spite of my fears.

Marti was smiling as she drove, her hair whipping about in the wind, her aviators reflecting the road ahead.

  “Well. Home we go.” She said.

* * *

   The kitchen door somehow managed not to squeak, but the wooden floor in the hallway sent shivers through my nerves. I didn’t dare try to make it past Uncle Gerry’s door. I couldn’t get past without it letting out its tattling war cry. There was a basket of fresh laundry in the living room, so I peeled off my wet clothes and changed there, deciding to crash on the couch for the night, rather than risk waking him. I couldn’t face his questions. Somehow I’d felt responsible for Marti all these years. I had actually fallen into the role of substitute mother quite naturally. Always worrying. Always telling her not to do things that could be dangerous, offering her advice, and taking care of her. It had never been like that while Aunt Grace was alive, but afterward she was gone I’d felt a strong sense of accountability for Marti.
  Strange, because Aunt Grace had never been that kind of a mom. She was like Marti: strong-willed and free-spirited. She loved her daughter and protected her, but she wasn’t like most mothers. Even while Marti was young Aunt Grace let her fly free.

  Anyways, I knew Uncle Gerry would be going out of his mind if he knew what had happened at the beach. You probably think I’m a horrible friend for not telling him. After all, anything could be happening right?

But some part of me just knew to keep silent and wait it out.

Sure enough Marti showed up about half past three. She made it through the kitchen door too but she unwisely chose to risk the floor. Of course its squeak gave her away.

I didn’t sit up. But I whispered to her.

  “Marti.”

My voice was deadly cold. It even scared the crap out of me.

She whirled around and I could see her eyes wide and white with surprise in the glow of moonlight from the window.

 “Meg?” She took a few steps towards the couch, her silhouette, rigid and tense. “What are you doing sleeping out here?”

I bit back the urge to reply with, “I’ll ask the questions here young lady.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that one aimed at me.

Instead I said, “Are you going to tell me where the heck you just were and what kind of stupid excuse you’ve got for hopping in some rich kid’s car? Not to mention,” I added with biting distain riding off my tongue, “leaving me out in the rain with all those wack-jobs.”

  I couldn’t tell for sure in the darkness, but her shadow looked as if it was guiltily hunched over.

  “You don’t understand….”

  “Understand what?” I erupted from my blankets unable to keep my temper down another second. “Understand what, Marti? What more could I do to understand? You don’t ever tell me anything so how am I supposed to understand?” My voice was a furious hiss, dry and bare like dead driftwood floating on a thrashing sea. I flopped back down onto my make-shift bed, dropping my head in my hands.

Marti said nothing. It was at moments like this when I realized how quiet Marti really was.

She knew me better than anybody. She knew if she left me alone for a few minutes, I would remember how much I cared about her. She was right.

  “Are you ok?” I asked in a soft whisper.

Then Marti surprised me by doing something she had never done before. She knelt in front of me and took both my hands in hers and looked deep into my eyes. The lights in hers were stars in a fathomless blue sky.

  “Never.” She whispered back.  

* * *

I don’t know how I made it home that night. My legs managed to mechanically walk back up the long trail to the docks across the now rain-flooded beach and to the parking lot where Marti’s car was still sitting.

  I discovered that she had left her keys in the car, which was unlocked. Stupid, but I was grateful none the less. I opened the door and climbed in, my wet legs sticking to the pleather seats. The engine growled its usual grinding growl and started up. Driving hasn’t always soothed me. When I started out, I was nervous as a mouse in a lion’s den. My dad helped me by stating,

 “Always remember: you’re driving a two ton weapon down the road at high speeds. You could kill someone like that.” He snapped his fingers. Way to calm a kid down, dad. But after a few months I discovered that driving could actually relax me when I was stressed. It helped me think, and sort things out inside my head. It sure helped me that night.

As I drove back to the house the cogs and screws were winding in my head faster than the pouring rain.

  I was beginning to suspect that Marti had planned for this, which lit a fire of anger inside me. Abandoning your best friend at a “beach bash?” Cruel. Annoying. Rude. Dumb. Hurtful. Betrayful. Not a word, but I didn’t care. I was officially riled, and when I’m riled I make up words.

I was more angry than I’d ever been at Marti.

Mostly because deep down I was still worried about her.

 And I had no idea how I was going to face Uncle Gerry. How do you tell a man that you stood tongue-tied on the sidelines while his daughter got in a car with a stranger and drove away?

 

Yeah. Thanks Marti.

Still, she’d done her best to dissuade me from coming. I had to give her that.

But the more I thought about the whole situation the more I began to see all the signs that had been pointing to this all year. She’d been growing farther away: changing subtly.

The way she’d been acting and talking, all her new friends, all her late nights being even later than they’d ever been. I suddenly remembered the mysterious phone calls she’d made during lunch hour at school last month. I remembered her showing up to class in the same outfit two days in a row, as if she hadn’t gone to sleep at all the night before.

I remembered her sudden excuses when she claimed she “forgot” our get-togethers. At the time I had thought it was nothing. But now?

The streetlights gleam menacingly along the highway.  

Something was happening now, but not just now. Something had been happening for a long time. And I hadn’t noticed. I’d been too busy with my petty jealousy, my own little problems, scholarship applications, date-night cancelations, and my silly worries to see that something was not at all right with Marti.

She hadn’t just been growing up.

She’d been planning something.

Dreams and Memories

In dreams I remember

Your smile

The memories I try to piece together

But your face is a blur of tears

It’s been six years

So much has passed between

I’m such a different me

But still I see

The ways I fail and fall

Trust

Trust is so frail

And it shatters still

And I can’t remember what it was like

Before you were gone.

* * *

But my tongue was still frozen.

  “I don’t want to drag you into this.” Marti was saying. She started to pace, something she only did when she was really thinking hard.

  “Too late for that.” He laughed a little. “Are you ok?” He took her hand and tried to look into her eyes, but she pulled away. My heart started to race. Why hadn’t she told me about this guy? I suddenly wondered how well I really knew Marti.

  “Yes I’m fine. Would you mind,” She paused, and the rest of her question was lost in the wind. Suddenly, it started to rain. Not a gentle drizzle, but hard, hot, pouring rain. I was soaked through in a minute. My hair stuck to my face and my legs felt slimy when they brushed one another, a mix of lotion and rain water creating an oily film.

  I peered through the raging drops and saw that Marti and her friend were hopping in the red BMW. Suddenly recovering my powers of motion and speech I darted out from my hiding place. The car started backing away, with my best friend inside it.

 Whoever he was, the kid was a driver in a hurry. He flew out of the lot and started towards the highway before I could catch Marti’s eye. I ran after them, all the way to the highway on-ramp and up onto the busy interstate. I couldn’t believe myself. I was racing alongside a dangerous road chasing a pair of taillights.

Why?

Why, why, why? My mind screamed. But I kept running, afraid to stop, afraid to lose the faint glow of those red taillights fading into the distance. I tripped over something on the shoulder, falling. Gritty residue from the side of the highway scraped along my arm, smearing me with dark streaks. The rain made my eyes cloud with watery black mascara. As the cars flew by they splashed up sheets of hot, dirty road water but I was too terrified to care. I leaned back against the cold concrete barrier, trying to think if there was some way I could have prevented this.

There wasn’t.

Surely.

Surely there was nothing more I could have done. She had sealed her own fate from day one. And I was too tired to chase after her anymore.

Story time.

Hey. You want to hear a funny story?

I was walking to the park

just minding my own business when I

met this old lady. She looked really confused. She had a walker with her  and I thought she was lost.

“You ok?” I asked.

And she just stood there with

this blank stare on her face. I was like

“Is she alive? Haha This lady could be a little

crazy for all I know. It was so weird, her justt standing there motionless.

But anyways then she was like “Who are you?

Here’s a cookie dear.” and she handed me this fortune cookie.

My weakness. But I’m not that stupid so at first I said, “No thank you.”

“Number sixteen is my lucky number.” She said, beaming and still trying to hand me the cookie.  

So then I didn’t know what to say because I was suddenly really curious about that cookie.

Call me a hopeless romantic, cuz I believe in fate. I took the cookie.

“Me and you are going to be lucky today dear. I can feel it.” She said. She was really old, but so sweet.

Maybe this is my lucky day I thought.

 

The cookie said: Go back and read the first word of each line. And bow to the master of awesomeness.

* * *

I suddenly sat bolt upright.

  “Where’s Marti?” The question was directed at no one in particular, but Madelene seemed to be the only one paying any attention to me. She looked around her, drunkenly.

  “Gosh, I don’t know. Probably went to the bathroom, Meggy. I wouldn’t worry.”

Meggy?

Only Marti called me that. I wanted to stay and unload a serving of sarcasm on her, but I was too busy looking through the crowd. How had I let her slip away from me? I jumped up onto the hood of a car that was parked on the sand.

  “Hey get off!” Some blonde surfer dude called. I didn’t listen. I had to find her before she did something really stupid. My eyes preyed on the crowd, searching, searching. They darted back and forth between tall and short, dark and pale, fat and skinny, straining for a glimpse of a thin girl with long dark hair in a faded tank top and denim shorts.

Where are you Marti?

There. I saw her on the boardwalk, making her way towards the boating docks.

I leapt down from the car, just as the boy who had shouted at me was making his way over, and started off as fast as I could.

I pushed and shoved until my feet hit the splinter-filled boards of the docks. Shops along the water were full to the brim with rich kids fritting away their folks’ money. As the throng thinned I was able to run, feeling dizzy with the heat of the night and breathless with nerves.

 I made it to the edge of the dock. Marti wasn’t there. I looked all around me, frantic. Then, spying a short path back to the mainland, I saw her in the distance, standing up in a little parking lot next to a red BMW. There was someone with her, but I couldn’t make out his face.

I started up the path, gripping the rail. The small dock rose perilously over the water up to the shore, and wood was slick and hard to balance on.

  I made it to the top and crept close enough to the car to hear their conversation. I had come intending to tell Marti outright that she was being an absolute idiot and make her abandon whatever she was planning. But now that I was here, I had no words. I suddenly felt as shy and afraid as I had been my first day of kindergarten. So I stayed back in the shadows of the beach ferns, waiting.

And listening.

 

 

  “What do you want to do? Go and find him?” Marti’s companion had a low voice, soft and kind. Somehow it relaxed me. I could hear worry in it, which somehow made me feel better about him. Like maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy after all. Maybe he was like me and actually cared about her.

He sounded young. Around our age. That made me feel better too. But I still couldn’t see him clearly.

  “I don’t know.” Marti answered. Her voice sounded strange and distant.

  “You know I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

At that I was back to worrying. Surely she wouldn’t run off with this twit. Oh why couldn’t I say something?




( P.S. Just so you know, Mozzie didn't die! )